Needless Lyrics

Helloooo Blogger. It's been a while.
Haven't felt as inspired to write on Tumblr, so here I am.

I don't know what's up with me. Usually I'm pretty excited for the start of a new year. I know it's stupid. Everyday is the chance for a new start, but I don't know know. I usually look forward to it.

This year though, I don't really care. I'm not really looking forward to the new year and I'm not really feeling very reflective about this past year. To be honest, I don't remember much of it. I WILL write more next year.

I'm just...ugh. Tired. Tired of monotony. Maybe I do need a fresh start. I'm not sure the new year will bring that though.

I don't deal with change very well.

As much as I would like to be able to say that I'm a 'Go with the flow' type of person, I'm just not. If I'm going to hang out with more than two people at a time I need a very thorough plan. I kind of thought that having switched schools an ungodly number of times made me somewhat used to change. Not so much.

I enjoy schedules; I like know what I'm getting myself into. Time, and time again I've been faced with change of some sort and I've kept telling myself that no one really does that well with change. But...that's just not true. I'm just really terrible being thrown into something I'm not used to.

But I think it's good. I definitely think this is God reminding me that ultimately, He's in control. He has a plan for my life and I need to just let him have it all.

And really, that's what matters. Even when things are happening at a crazy fast speed that I'm not OK with I know that God here. I don't have to know exactly what's going on because He does, and His plan is so infinitely better than anything I could ever come up with.

I went back and read the note I wrote at the beginning of 2009, about 2008. It made me realize that even though I still struggle with change around me, I've changed myself. I no longer bite my nails. And I really, honestly enjoy Coldplay.

Even though I'm unsure of what's ahead and where on EARTH my life is going, God's in control. God's got a plan. And He's here. Unchanging.

I have nothing in mind that I want to talk about. I just haven't done this in so long that I figured it would be good for me.

So.. I graduated.

I would've blogged about it but it really still hasn't sunk in. I never have to go back. I never have to deal with high school again. I'm sure it'll sink in really nicely the first week of school this fall.

The past two days have felt inexpressibly off. I don't know what it was, but they both didn't feel..good. I haven't felt honestly happy and carefree in a while and that's kind of weird.

I'm not depressed or anything, I just have so much going on, one thing after another, that I haven't really had a day to just...sit.

And I'm unreasonably impatient with everyone around me. I'm to the point where I expect everyone to be able to read my mind and see exactly what it is I want them to do.
I'm fairly certain I know how to..lessen that to some extent but I really don't want to. It would mean spending less time with the people that have the innate ability to read my mind. And where's the fun in that?

I'm whiny. I know.

I don't know. I just..everything feels wrong and out of place. I need to go somewhere different. Take a trip! That would be beyond fantastic. Anything really. Nothing huge or fancy, but just somewhere different with people I haven't met. A road trip. Bahhh. Yes.

Today was horribly long. I have not stopped moving since 11 this morning. OH LOOK, TWELVE HOURS AGO.

I'm so painfully tired. I would pay money to not have to go to school tomorrow.

Ok, I'm done.
I have nothing mildly entertaining to say. Physics crap still needs to be done. BUT I DON'T CARE.

I'm going to bed. Tomorrow will probably be equally long.

Today was mostly uneventful. I found out I’m salutatorian. So…that’s exciting I guess. I don’t really know how proud I should be. But I get a medal, so that’s fun.

On the way home my mom, Robert and I got started talking about your “I’m About To Die” list of people. Really catchy title, I know. But basically, let’s say you suddenly discover you’re about to die and you only had time to call ten people before you kick off. (Oh, and no 3-ways or anything crazy like that, no speakerphone.)

Who do you call? I kind of struggle with this. Family, obviously. But who else? And who in my family do I call specifically? GOODNESS. I hate that. I realize that this is a very…SPECIFIC situation, but these are the kinds of things I think about on a daily basis.

BLAH.

That’s all I have to say. Who would you call?

a’ight. It wasn’t horrible, and things generally improved towards the afternoonish time.

Got up, ate breakfast, worked on my paper. Went to “run errands”*, picked up He Who Shall Not Be Named (Until He Blogs), went to library, worked on paper. At dinner, worked on paper.. You get the idea.

Blah, nothing huge to talk about.

Although, today on the way to “run errands”, I started thinking about some stuff. It occurred to me that I expect different things, from different friends.
To some extent I think that’s probably a very normal, acceptable habit; different people have different abilities. But, I think sometimes I almost tend to be a bit hypocritical. I won’t text one friend back because I’m lazy/sleepy/stupid, but I expect another to text back the moment I text them. I get my feelings hurt when one friend doesn’t remember something I deem important, but then I wouldn’t expect another to know that about me if I asked. I dunno.

It’s all kind of weird. I think some of that just comes with the territory of having some friends be closer than others, but maybe I expect too much/not enough of some of my friends. Who knows.

Something to think about.

This thing is sinkin' fast kids.

Today was pretty not good. I hardly slept last night and yesterday was a big fat BUSY MESS. This whole week finally caught up with me, so I didn't go to church today.

Took Rob, came home, couldn't go back to sleep. Typical. So I watched America's Next Top Model.

Hung around, was lazy, then went to BAM at 6. That was pretty horrible, not gonna lie.

And now I'm here.

I had plenty of time today to think about prom, and the fact that I didn't go. Yesterday, I was more than fine with that. Today, maybe not so much. I just...feel like I've missed something. You know? The rest of my high school stuff hasn't been exactly normal, so I just feel like I should have done it just to say I had.
Whatever.

I have a rather large headache now.

BEDM!

...That's a horrible acronym. But whatever.

I kind of failed at the whole, Blog Every Day April thing, it kind of snuck up on my actually. But I've given this a lot of thought. And I've decided that this month, the month of May, will be much better. Probably not very much more exciting, but I think I'll like to be able to look back later and know what was going through my head during my last month of high school. I plan on actually, physically writing each entry this month and then posting an...edited account here. Not because I'm not honest here, but because I just don't want my every thought shared online. I've got stuff to think about, you know.

So, today was mostly uneventful. I went to Walmart twice, separated, bagged, and labeled all of my mom's Pampered Chef things she needs to give away. I made a cake, that was a huge fail. I'm blaming the baking powder, but I feel like it was actually my own fault somewhere along the way. Brian made Cream Cheese Danishes (no idea why I just capitalized that, but it felt like it needed it) and brought me two. I was kind of impressed (Just tried one, and they were actually quite tasty.)

All in all, not a bad day, but not a very exciting one. I shall be back tomorrow with something more exciting. Possibly. Maybe. Probably not.

I feel so empty right now. Like I'm missing something.

So many things are going on right now and I feel so many different things. I'm within days of finishing high school. I'll be graduating in a little over a month. I don't even know how I feel about that anymore. I'm still beyond excited to be done with this part of my life. At the same time though, I'll never be here again. High school will be done and I'll never get to experience that again. While I'm not really...sad about that, it's just weird to think about.

When I was little I always figured people that were as old as I am now new exactly where they were going in life, exactly what they wanted. That's so laughable now. I have no idea what I want anymore. I'd even say I had a better idea of what I wanted when I was younger. But maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I've given up trying to do what I want and figure out what God's plan is for me. Boy is it hard.

Blah. And I'm just not happy. I'm not necessarily sad. I just feel like I'm not doing something right. I feel like I'm forgetting something, like I'm missing out on something. Well, I guess I kind of am. I'm not doing most of the traditional senior stuff. Which I didn't think would bother me, but now that I'm here, it kind of does. Prom, big graduation, I dunno.

I'm ready for this summer. To be completely (for the most part anyway) carefree and just live life.

Things I Hate:
pollen, allergies, not saying what I want to, untuned guitars
Things I Love:
harmonies, boys that harmonize, blankets, sweet tea, Regina Spektor

I'm going to confess something. I'm an insanely dependent person. There is NO WAY I can deny that if asked. But, I'm pretty good at hiding it.

Ok, no. That's a lie. I'm terrible at hiding it. I get attached to people REALLY quickly. Which is sometimes good. If the person is going to stick around for a while. But so many times, I get caught up in getting to know someone and forget that I'm not going to see them again for a LONG time, if at all. World Changers is a GREAT example of this. I'm really good at finding the one person on my crew that I get along with fantastically and talking the whole week. But then at the end of the week, I have to leave and head six hours in the opposite direction from them.

But, it's not always on such a short term basis. I've been to 15 hundred schools. In theory, I should be really good at meeting people, getting to know them, and then leaving. BUT I'M NOT. That's just not how I'm wired. I need people around me. People that love me for..me. The crazy, weird, horrid sense of humor, hair that never does what it's supposed to person that I am. And I need them to tell me when I'm being ridiculous, when I'm being unreasonable.

And I'm OK with that, needing people.

ON ANOTHER NOTE!

I need some new JAMS. Preferably a band/artist that I have not heard of yet. I'm getting tired of the monotony of my music. (See how I contradict myself there? I want solidity in my relationships, but want insane unpredictability in my music.)

And..a closing thought. I'm scared..of a lot of things. Severely burning myself while taking something out of the oven..bad weather..
But I'm also scared of a new something.. People are always telling me how much potential I have. My lit teacher..my physics teacher (indirectly).. "You have so much potential. If you would just ____." I do not appreciate that sentiment. I don't know if it's supposed to MOTIVATE me or..SCARE me into motivating myself.. BUT IT'S NOT WORKING.
What if I don't really have that much more potential. What if I'm pretty much maxed out on my potential, potential. I mean, I'm not saying I'm done learning..that I don't plan on applying myself ever again. It's just..what if I don't have that much more to give? That's scary. Because then..I would be letting people down.


WHICH, is something I also struggle with. But we'll save that for another day..

To end this on a NICE note..I have on purple striped socks. They are beautiful.

THAT'S ALL!

Two Is Better Than One-Boys Like Girls