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BEDM!

...That's a horrible acronym. But whatever.

I kind of failed at the whole, Blog Every Day April thing, it kind of snuck up on my actually. But I've given this a lot of thought. And I've decided that this month, the month of May, will be much better. Probably not very much more exciting, but I think I'll like to be able to look back later and know what was going through my head during my last month of high school. I plan on actually, physically writing each entry this month and then posting an...edited account here. Not because I'm not honest here, but because I just don't want my every thought shared online. I've got stuff to think about, you know.

So, today was mostly uneventful. I went to Walmart twice, separated, bagged, and labeled all of my mom's Pampered Chef things she needs to give away. I made a cake, that was a huge fail. I'm blaming the baking powder, but I feel like it was actually my own fault somewhere along the way. Brian made Cream Cheese Danishes (no idea why I just capitalized that, but it felt like it needed it) and brought me two. I was kind of impressed (Just tried one, and they were actually quite tasty.)

All in all, not a bad day, but not a very exciting one. I shall be back tomorrow with something more exciting. Possibly. Maybe. Probably not.

I feel so empty right now. Like I'm missing something.

So many things are going on right now and I feel so many different things. I'm within days of finishing high school. I'll be graduating in a little over a month. I don't even know how I feel about that anymore. I'm still beyond excited to be done with this part of my life. At the same time though, I'll never be here again. High school will be done and I'll never get to experience that again. While I'm not really...sad about that, it's just weird to think about.

When I was little I always figured people that were as old as I am now new exactly where they were going in life, exactly what they wanted. That's so laughable now. I have no idea what I want anymore. I'd even say I had a better idea of what I wanted when I was younger. But maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I've given up trying to do what I want and figure out what God's plan is for me. Boy is it hard.

Blah. And I'm just not happy. I'm not necessarily sad. I just feel like I'm not doing something right. I feel like I'm forgetting something, like I'm missing out on something. Well, I guess I kind of am. I'm not doing most of the traditional senior stuff. Which I didn't think would bother me, but now that I'm here, it kind of does. Prom, big graduation, I dunno.

I'm ready for this summer. To be completely (for the most part anyway) carefree and just live life.

Things I Hate:
pollen, allergies, not saying what I want to, untuned guitars
Things I Love:
harmonies, boys that harmonize, blankets, sweet tea, Regina Spektor

I'm going to confess something. I'm an insanely dependent person. There is NO WAY I can deny that if asked. But, I'm pretty good at hiding it.

Ok, no. That's a lie. I'm terrible at hiding it. I get attached to people REALLY quickly. Which is sometimes good. If the person is going to stick around for a while. But so many times, I get caught up in getting to know someone and forget that I'm not going to see them again for a LONG time, if at all. World Changers is a GREAT example of this. I'm really good at finding the one person on my crew that I get along with fantastically and talking the whole week. But then at the end of the week, I have to leave and head six hours in the opposite direction from them.

But, it's not always on such a short term basis. I've been to 15 hundred schools. In theory, I should be really good at meeting people, getting to know them, and then leaving. BUT I'M NOT. That's just not how I'm wired. I need people around me. People that love me for..me. The crazy, weird, horrid sense of humor, hair that never does what it's supposed to person that I am. And I need them to tell me when I'm being ridiculous, when I'm being unreasonable.

And I'm OK with that, needing people.

ON ANOTHER NOTE!

I need some new JAMS. Preferably a band/artist that I have not heard of yet. I'm getting tired of the monotony of my music. (See how I contradict myself there? I want solidity in my relationships, but want insane unpredictability in my music.)

And..a closing thought. I'm scared..of a lot of things. Severely burning myself while taking something out of the oven..bad weather..
But I'm also scared of a new something.. People are always telling me how much potential I have. My lit teacher..my physics teacher (indirectly).. "You have so much potential. If you would just ____." I do not appreciate that sentiment. I don't know if it's supposed to MOTIVATE me or..SCARE me into motivating myself.. BUT IT'S NOT WORKING.
What if I don't really have that much more potential. What if I'm pretty much maxed out on my potential, potential. I mean, I'm not saying I'm done learning..that I don't plan on applying myself ever again. It's just..what if I don't have that much more to give? That's scary. Because then..I would be letting people down.


WHICH, is something I also struggle with. But we'll save that for another day..

To end this on a NICE note..I have on purple striped socks. They are beautiful.

THAT'S ALL!

Two Is Better Than One-Boys Like Girls

I'm going to keep at this blogging thing. Regardless of the fact that no one is reading it. I've given up on making it mildly entertaining. But in five years I want to be able to look back and cry from laughter at how much I've changed.

So in Fuel on Sundays at church we've broken up into little prayer groups. We all get together for like 5 minutes at the beginning of each lesson and write down each others prayer requests. I kind of dreaded it a little at first. Only because of how well we all haven't gotten along in the past year or so. It's actually really nice though; kind of reminds us why we all liked each other in the first place.

But I've kind of noticed a running theme in all of our requests each week. College.
It scares me to death.

I've known our entire small group for at least five years, most of them longer than that. The idea of everyone going off to school is so weird. I've known several of these people longer than I've known how to tie my shoes, longer than I've been able to form a compound sentence. It's so bizarre.

And obviously this extends past the people I know at church. College is being talked about everrrywhere.

There are definitely people that I think will be fine, that will adjust well. But there are a few that I'm almost certain will be knocking on mom and dad's door, not knowing how to boil water, within thee first two weeks of being away.

There are a few people I won't be sad to not see as regularly (or..never again..). But there are ALSO a few I hate the idea of losing touch with. I'm a pretty dependent person. I am. Not in the sense that I need someone constantly being with me, or always hanging out with fifteen different people. But I rely on my close friends to keep my spirits up. When I'm down, I talk to people. When I'm frustrated, I talk to people. When I'm happy, I talk to people. And yes, I will meet new people at school. But I know that there are certain friendships that probably won't last if we're not seeing each other once a week. And I hate that.

I like the people that I'm close with now. Yes, I so badly want to meet new people; to experience new things. But I don't want to lose that small circle of people that I love. People keep telling me that if they really matter they won't go anywhere. But I know that's crap. I've transferred schools enough times to know that sometimes, no matter how much you give it, there are just some relationships that don't work when you're not around someone.


Meh, anyway. Today I got in my first..wreck? Collision? Hah, I don't know.

I'm rounding a turn in my stupidly curvy neighborhood and the short bus appears and is in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET. I'm not talking like, was a little on my side of the street; where I can just kind of skirt into the little lip/curb thing. I mean like, if I didn't move I was going to be run over. So, I got over. A mailbox just happened to be inhabiting the same piece of earth I wanted. BEST PART? The bus kept driving. So, my mirror and car ended their relationship. I was crying, people were waving at me as I left the neighborhood looking like someone just died. It was a great afternoon.

Now, I shall go lay down and catch up on TV I've missed this week because I was being a good senior, doing her homework.

Oh, one more thing. I was thinking today, while taking mindless government notes, that I've had well over five gallons of green tea in the past two months. I can't decide if that's healthy or not.

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day. I keep standing in the doorway. AH, I love this weather.

Went to lunch with Elizabeth today to work on the yearbook cover. It was good times. We went to Little Azio's. They have these huge garage door windows and they were open and it was BEAUTIFUL. Ah, so nice.

This past weekend was so weird. Something just felt off. It wasn't a BAD thing, just..weird.

Yesterday was FULL of weirdness. I talked to people I haven't really spoken to in forever. It was good. Very weird, but very nice. It made me realize how grateful I am to have a ton of people in my life that really care about me. Regardless of how often we talk, they'll always be there for me. And, it kind of hit me how much I WILL actually miss them all next year.

I shall now go take an insanely long shower, get more green tea, and then ENJOY the outside.

I would REALLY love it if Christmas would hurry up. I love the whole wintery season. Cold weather, Christmas trees, and baking. AND SO MUCH MORE.

I just -AH- I love it. I love putting up the tree; I love cooking yummy things. AND I CAN WEAR MY SCARVES. I have a strong love and respect for scarves. I got a beauuuutiful one for my birthday. And I can't WAIT to wear it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Fall still needs to really kick in. Which, is still fine with me. I love fall just as much as winter. Leaves, college football, and LAYERS. Woo. I'm pumped.


Today was a nice one for the most part. It was a little hectic to begin with. But after finishing my physics test (we'll see how that goes), things were pretty smooth.

Chorus was good, not too many people, but a good group nonetheless. That's what got me really in the whole Christmasy mood. We're practicing all of our songs for Christmas. And I love them all. We're singing the Charlie Brown Christmas song. Christmas timeeee is hereeeee. I adore that song. It's so cute.

So that is all, I must go do homework and eat and things.

Because The Office comes on tonight! I know you've all been waiting.

So, hello blog. I've decided something. I've decided that I'm going to be completely honest with you. I'm going to try my hardest to just write what I feel. I'm going to try my VERY hardest to pretend as though no one is reading you.

That will be hard. But I'm going to try. I will also try to do it more frequently. The posts won't always be funny (not that they ever are...) and they certainly won't always be entertaining. But since I'm AWFUL at keeping any kind of journal, I'd like to have something to look back at in a couple years.

SO HERE WE GO.

Today was good. Went to Starbucks this morning. That was a good time. I haven't been in a while, and I always appreciate some good coffee. We of course get stalked by another creepy fellow. Because that ALWAYS happens. We decided to move outside because I, of course, had picked a spot in direct sunlight. And guess what, CREEPY MAN came out with us! It was good times. We always get creeped on at Starbucks.

Other than that, today was mostly relaxing. No school, Taco Bell for dinner, laughing...today was a good day.

It's days like today that make me forget about all of the college stuff I can't stop thinking about (which I should probably blog about if I'm really going for this whole honestly thing).

So yes, that's pretty much it. Pretty uneventful day. Tomorrow doesn't look too much more exciting. Lots of quality time with Frankenstein and my physics book. Woo!