Needless Lyrics

Helloooo Blogger. It's been a while.
Haven't felt as inspired to write on Tumblr, so here I am.

I don't know what's up with me. Usually I'm pretty excited for the start of a new year. I know it's stupid. Everyday is the chance for a new start, but I don't know know. I usually look forward to it.

This year though, I don't really care. I'm not really looking forward to the new year and I'm not really feeling very reflective about this past year. To be honest, I don't remember much of it. I WILL write more next year.

I'm just...ugh. Tired. Tired of monotony. Maybe I do need a fresh start. I'm not sure the new year will bring that though.

I don't deal with change very well.

As much as I would like to be able to say that I'm a 'Go with the flow' type of person, I'm just not. If I'm going to hang out with more than two people at a time I need a very thorough plan. I kind of thought that having switched schools an ungodly number of times made me somewhat used to change. Not so much.

I enjoy schedules; I like know what I'm getting myself into. Time, and time again I've been faced with change of some sort and I've kept telling myself that no one really does that well with change. But...that's just not true. I'm just really terrible being thrown into something I'm not used to.

But I think it's good. I definitely think this is God reminding me that ultimately, He's in control. He has a plan for my life and I need to just let him have it all.

And really, that's what matters. Even when things are happening at a crazy fast speed that I'm not OK with I know that God here. I don't have to know exactly what's going on because He does, and His plan is so infinitely better than anything I could ever come up with.

I went back and read the note I wrote at the beginning of 2009, about 2008. It made me realize that even though I still struggle with change around me, I've changed myself. I no longer bite my nails. And I really, honestly enjoy Coldplay.

Even though I'm unsure of what's ahead and where on EARTH my life is going, God's in control. God's got a plan. And He's here. Unchanging.

I have nothing in mind that I want to talk about. I just haven't done this in so long that I figured it would be good for me.

So.. I graduated.

I would've blogged about it but it really still hasn't sunk in. I never have to go back. I never have to deal with high school again. I'm sure it'll sink in really nicely the first week of school this fall.

The past two days have felt inexpressibly off. I don't know what it was, but they both didn't feel..good. I haven't felt honestly happy and carefree in a while and that's kind of weird.

I'm not depressed or anything, I just have so much going on, one thing after another, that I haven't really had a day to just...sit.

And I'm unreasonably impatient with everyone around me. I'm to the point where I expect everyone to be able to read my mind and see exactly what it is I want them to do.
I'm fairly certain I know how to..lessen that to some extent but I really don't want to. It would mean spending less time with the people that have the innate ability to read my mind. And where's the fun in that?

I'm whiny. I know.

I don't know. I just..everything feels wrong and out of place. I need to go somewhere different. Take a trip! That would be beyond fantastic. Anything really. Nothing huge or fancy, but just somewhere different with people I haven't met. A road trip. Bahhh. Yes.

Today was horribly long. I have not stopped moving since 11 this morning. OH LOOK, TWELVE HOURS AGO.

I'm so painfully tired. I would pay money to not have to go to school tomorrow.

Ok, I'm done.
I have nothing mildly entertaining to say. Physics crap still needs to be done. BUT I DON'T CARE.

I'm going to bed. Tomorrow will probably be equally long.

Today was mostly uneventful. I found out I’m salutatorian. So…that’s exciting I guess. I don’t really know how proud I should be. But I get a medal, so that’s fun.

On the way home my mom, Robert and I got started talking about your “I’m About To Die” list of people. Really catchy title, I know. But basically, let’s say you suddenly discover you’re about to die and you only had time to call ten people before you kick off. (Oh, and no 3-ways or anything crazy like that, no speakerphone.)

Who do you call? I kind of struggle with this. Family, obviously. But who else? And who in my family do I call specifically? GOODNESS. I hate that. I realize that this is a very…SPECIFIC situation, but these are the kinds of things I think about on a daily basis.

BLAH.

That’s all I have to say. Who would you call?

a’ight. It wasn’t horrible, and things generally improved towards the afternoonish time.

Got up, ate breakfast, worked on my paper. Went to “run errands”*, picked up He Who Shall Not Be Named (Until He Blogs), went to library, worked on paper. At dinner, worked on paper.. You get the idea.

Blah, nothing huge to talk about.

Although, today on the way to “run errands”, I started thinking about some stuff. It occurred to me that I expect different things, from different friends.
To some extent I think that’s probably a very normal, acceptable habit; different people have different abilities. But, I think sometimes I almost tend to be a bit hypocritical. I won’t text one friend back because I’m lazy/sleepy/stupid, but I expect another to text back the moment I text them. I get my feelings hurt when one friend doesn’t remember something I deem important, but then I wouldn’t expect another to know that about me if I asked. I dunno.

It’s all kind of weird. I think some of that just comes with the territory of having some friends be closer than others, but maybe I expect too much/not enough of some of my friends. Who knows.

Something to think about.

This thing is sinkin' fast kids.

Today was pretty not good. I hardly slept last night and yesterday was a big fat BUSY MESS. This whole week finally caught up with me, so I didn't go to church today.

Took Rob, came home, couldn't go back to sleep. Typical. So I watched America's Next Top Model.

Hung around, was lazy, then went to BAM at 6. That was pretty horrible, not gonna lie.

And now I'm here.

I had plenty of time today to think about prom, and the fact that I didn't go. Yesterday, I was more than fine with that. Today, maybe not so much. I just...feel like I've missed something. You know? The rest of my high school stuff hasn't been exactly normal, so I just feel like I should have done it just to say I had.
Whatever.

I have a rather large headache now.

BEDM!

...That's a horrible acronym. But whatever.

I kind of failed at the whole, Blog Every Day April thing, it kind of snuck up on my actually. But I've given this a lot of thought. And I've decided that this month, the month of May, will be much better. Probably not very much more exciting, but I think I'll like to be able to look back later and know what was going through my head during my last month of high school. I plan on actually, physically writing each entry this month and then posting an...edited account here. Not because I'm not honest here, but because I just don't want my every thought shared online. I've got stuff to think about, you know.

So, today was mostly uneventful. I went to Walmart twice, separated, bagged, and labeled all of my mom's Pampered Chef things she needs to give away. I made a cake, that was a huge fail. I'm blaming the baking powder, but I feel like it was actually my own fault somewhere along the way. Brian made Cream Cheese Danishes (no idea why I just capitalized that, but it felt like it needed it) and brought me two. I was kind of impressed (Just tried one, and they were actually quite tasty.)

All in all, not a bad day, but not a very exciting one. I shall be back tomorrow with something more exciting. Possibly. Maybe. Probably not.

I feel so empty right now. Like I'm missing something.

So many things are going on right now and I feel so many different things. I'm within days of finishing high school. I'll be graduating in a little over a month. I don't even know how I feel about that anymore. I'm still beyond excited to be done with this part of my life. At the same time though, I'll never be here again. High school will be done and I'll never get to experience that again. While I'm not really...sad about that, it's just weird to think about.

When I was little I always figured people that were as old as I am now new exactly where they were going in life, exactly what they wanted. That's so laughable now. I have no idea what I want anymore. I'd even say I had a better idea of what I wanted when I was younger. But maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I've given up trying to do what I want and figure out what God's plan is for me. Boy is it hard.

Blah. And I'm just not happy. I'm not necessarily sad. I just feel like I'm not doing something right. I feel like I'm forgetting something, like I'm missing out on something. Well, I guess I kind of am. I'm not doing most of the traditional senior stuff. Which I didn't think would bother me, but now that I'm here, it kind of does. Prom, big graduation, I dunno.

I'm ready for this summer. To be completely (for the most part anyway) carefree and just live life.

Things I Hate:
pollen, allergies, not saying what I want to, untuned guitars
Things I Love:
harmonies, boys that harmonize, blankets, sweet tea, Regina Spektor

I'm going to confess something. I'm an insanely dependent person. There is NO WAY I can deny that if asked. But, I'm pretty good at hiding it.

Ok, no. That's a lie. I'm terrible at hiding it. I get attached to people REALLY quickly. Which is sometimes good. If the person is going to stick around for a while. But so many times, I get caught up in getting to know someone and forget that I'm not going to see them again for a LONG time, if at all. World Changers is a GREAT example of this. I'm really good at finding the one person on my crew that I get along with fantastically and talking the whole week. But then at the end of the week, I have to leave and head six hours in the opposite direction from them.

But, it's not always on such a short term basis. I've been to 15 hundred schools. In theory, I should be really good at meeting people, getting to know them, and then leaving. BUT I'M NOT. That's just not how I'm wired. I need people around me. People that love me for..me. The crazy, weird, horrid sense of humor, hair that never does what it's supposed to person that I am. And I need them to tell me when I'm being ridiculous, when I'm being unreasonable.

And I'm OK with that, needing people.

ON ANOTHER NOTE!

I need some new JAMS. Preferably a band/artist that I have not heard of yet. I'm getting tired of the monotony of my music. (See how I contradict myself there? I want solidity in my relationships, but want insane unpredictability in my music.)

And..a closing thought. I'm scared..of a lot of things. Severely burning myself while taking something out of the oven..bad weather..
But I'm also scared of a new something.. People are always telling me how much potential I have. My lit teacher..my physics teacher (indirectly).. "You have so much potential. If you would just ____." I do not appreciate that sentiment. I don't know if it's supposed to MOTIVATE me or..SCARE me into motivating myself.. BUT IT'S NOT WORKING.
What if I don't really have that much more potential. What if I'm pretty much maxed out on my potential, potential. I mean, I'm not saying I'm done learning..that I don't plan on applying myself ever again. It's just..what if I don't have that much more to give? That's scary. Because then..I would be letting people down.


WHICH, is something I also struggle with. But we'll save that for another day..

To end this on a NICE note..I have on purple striped socks. They are beautiful.

THAT'S ALL!

Two Is Better Than One-Boys Like Girls

I'm going to keep at this blogging thing. Regardless of the fact that no one is reading it. I've given up on making it mildly entertaining. But in five years I want to be able to look back and cry from laughter at how much I've changed.

So in Fuel on Sundays at church we've broken up into little prayer groups. We all get together for like 5 minutes at the beginning of each lesson and write down each others prayer requests. I kind of dreaded it a little at first. Only because of how well we all haven't gotten along in the past year or so. It's actually really nice though; kind of reminds us why we all liked each other in the first place.

But I've kind of noticed a running theme in all of our requests each week. College.
It scares me to death.

I've known our entire small group for at least five years, most of them longer than that. The idea of everyone going off to school is so weird. I've known several of these people longer than I've known how to tie my shoes, longer than I've been able to form a compound sentence. It's so bizarre.

And obviously this extends past the people I know at church. College is being talked about everrrywhere.

There are definitely people that I think will be fine, that will adjust well. But there are a few that I'm almost certain will be knocking on mom and dad's door, not knowing how to boil water, within thee first two weeks of being away.

There are a few people I won't be sad to not see as regularly (or..never again..). But there are ALSO a few I hate the idea of losing touch with. I'm a pretty dependent person. I am. Not in the sense that I need someone constantly being with me, or always hanging out with fifteen different people. But I rely on my close friends to keep my spirits up. When I'm down, I talk to people. When I'm frustrated, I talk to people. When I'm happy, I talk to people. And yes, I will meet new people at school. But I know that there are certain friendships that probably won't last if we're not seeing each other once a week. And I hate that.

I like the people that I'm close with now. Yes, I so badly want to meet new people; to experience new things. But I don't want to lose that small circle of people that I love. People keep telling me that if they really matter they won't go anywhere. But I know that's crap. I've transferred schools enough times to know that sometimes, no matter how much you give it, there are just some relationships that don't work when you're not around someone.


Meh, anyway. Today I got in my first..wreck? Collision? Hah, I don't know.

I'm rounding a turn in my stupidly curvy neighborhood and the short bus appears and is in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET. I'm not talking like, was a little on my side of the street; where I can just kind of skirt into the little lip/curb thing. I mean like, if I didn't move I was going to be run over. So, I got over. A mailbox just happened to be inhabiting the same piece of earth I wanted. BEST PART? The bus kept driving. So, my mirror and car ended their relationship. I was crying, people were waving at me as I left the neighborhood looking like someone just died. It was a great afternoon.

Now, I shall go lay down and catch up on TV I've missed this week because I was being a good senior, doing her homework.

Oh, one more thing. I was thinking today, while taking mindless government notes, that I've had well over five gallons of green tea in the past two months. I can't decide if that's healthy or not.

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day. I keep standing in the doorway. AH, I love this weather.

Went to lunch with Elizabeth today to work on the yearbook cover. It was good times. We went to Little Azio's. They have these huge garage door windows and they were open and it was BEAUTIFUL. Ah, so nice.

This past weekend was so weird. Something just felt off. It wasn't a BAD thing, just..weird.

Yesterday was FULL of weirdness. I talked to people I haven't really spoken to in forever. It was good. Very weird, but very nice. It made me realize how grateful I am to have a ton of people in my life that really care about me. Regardless of how often we talk, they'll always be there for me. And, it kind of hit me how much I WILL actually miss them all next year.

I shall now go take an insanely long shower, get more green tea, and then ENJOY the outside.

I would REALLY love it if Christmas would hurry up. I love the whole wintery season. Cold weather, Christmas trees, and baking. AND SO MUCH MORE.

I just -AH- I love it. I love putting up the tree; I love cooking yummy things. AND I CAN WEAR MY SCARVES. I have a strong love and respect for scarves. I got a beauuuutiful one for my birthday. And I can't WAIT to wear it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Fall still needs to really kick in. Which, is still fine with me. I love fall just as much as winter. Leaves, college football, and LAYERS. Woo. I'm pumped.


Today was a nice one for the most part. It was a little hectic to begin with. But after finishing my physics test (we'll see how that goes), things were pretty smooth.

Chorus was good, not too many people, but a good group nonetheless. That's what got me really in the whole Christmasy mood. We're practicing all of our songs for Christmas. And I love them all. We're singing the Charlie Brown Christmas song. Christmas timeeee is hereeeee. I adore that song. It's so cute.

So that is all, I must go do homework and eat and things.

Because The Office comes on tonight! I know you've all been waiting.

So, hello blog. I've decided something. I've decided that I'm going to be completely honest with you. I'm going to try my hardest to just write what I feel. I'm going to try my VERY hardest to pretend as though no one is reading you.

That will be hard. But I'm going to try. I will also try to do it more frequently. The posts won't always be funny (not that they ever are...) and they certainly won't always be entertaining. But since I'm AWFUL at keeping any kind of journal, I'd like to have something to look back at in a couple years.

SO HERE WE GO.

Today was good. Went to Starbucks this morning. That was a good time. I haven't been in a while, and I always appreciate some good coffee. We of course get stalked by another creepy fellow. Because that ALWAYS happens. We decided to move outside because I, of course, had picked a spot in direct sunlight. And guess what, CREEPY MAN came out with us! It was good times. We always get creeped on at Starbucks.

Other than that, today was mostly relaxing. No school, Taco Bell for dinner, laughing...today was a good day.

It's days like today that make me forget about all of the college stuff I can't stop thinking about (which I should probably blog about if I'm really going for this whole honestly thing).

So yes, that's pretty much it. Pretty uneventful day. Tomorrow doesn't look too much more exciting. Lots of quality time with Frankenstein and my physics book. Woo!

It's eating me. I need a break. I'm so tired of people and trying to please everyone, keep everyone happy. I'm tired of trying and not feeling like people need me like I need them. BLAH.

On a slightly happier note I went to GCSU on Monday with Morgan, Mrs. Diana, and my mom. That was a good time. We laughed a lot and had a great time. But it wasn't really..for me I don't think. It was a nice campus and all, good programs, nice people. Just not for me.

Yesterday I went to a yearbook conference in Chattanooga. And again, very nice. We had a good time. But it was just a long time to be in the car for one day.

Now, I'm working on my government paper and praying for the weekend to be here as soon as possible. Woo.

I'm feelin' ZIPPY tonight.

So this weekend is my birthday. And I'm not so excited. I mean, I suppose I'm excited for the actual BIRTHDAY but I'm not exactly excited for the eight hour drive to the mountains.

BUT ANYWAY.

On Sunday, I was feeling a little down. Mostly because I didn't get out of the house because I was feeling a little under the weather and when I DON'T get out of the house, things aren't pretty. I was convinced that my stay at home Monday wouldn't be any better.

BUT THEN, I won tickets. Tickets to see one of my FAVORITE bands play. The Fray. :D
I was happy. And, it's a small event, only 200 attendees. AH. Intense.
It's just funny to me how I can be so down one second and then BAM! God's like, "Hey, hey look. Stop complaining, things are good. Here, let me prove it to you." And then things like that happen.

And really, this was definitely a God thing. Because the chances of me being able to win ANYTHING on the radio are about as great as everyone sprouting a tail and breathing under water. Really, same odds.

So yes, I'm very excited by that. Was definitely a good start to my week.

Now, I shall go read Frankenstein and go to sleep.

See you all tomorrow perhaps?

FINALLY!

I'm so happy to finally be able to say that. I can't even express to you how happy that makes me. Not...because it means I'm the oldest or anything, just because it means I'm so close to being done with high school. So many people try to tell me that high school is "the best four years of your life," but if THESE are my best years, I'm not really looking forward to the rest of it..

Don't get me wrong, I've had some fantastic times. I mean, I wouldn't trade this past summer for anything in the world, but aside from the summers and the other few good times, I really haven't liked it that much. I really, honestly, hate school. And don't get me wrong, I love learning. I LOVE finding out new things. But I just really hate learning about things that I don't care about..at all. I know everyone has to learn all of it, but that doesn't really make it any easier.

So I'm glad to finally be nearing the end of it all. And I'm excited for what God has in store for me up ahead.

But as for right now..I'm good with where I am. I love the people that are close to me, and that's all that really matters. :)

Today was a FANTASTIC day. I don't know why, but it was.
I got to school on time, which is..always a nice way to start things off. School went by pretty..uneventfully. Well, and I got Starbucks somewhere in there.. And THAT is always a welcomed part of any day.

After, I went and got a skirt for school and a sweet tea from McDonalds. I'm pretty sure the world could be ending, a meteor speeding towards my head, and if I had a sweet tea, I'd be able to deal.

Then, we went home and my mom painted my nails. :D I'm pretty self-sufficient, but this is one talent I have yet to master. And whenever I try, it always ends...horribly, with fingernail polish somewhere I did not intend for it to be.

And after that I headed to the movies, met Amanda, and we saw Julie & Julia. It was ADORABLE. I, for some reason, did not have very high expectations for it, but it was so cute. It made me laugh and smile and just put me in a good mood. AND it ended great. (Happy, but not perfect.)

AND THEN..Amanda and I got to jump her car off of mine (Is that even how you phrase that?). That was a good time..haha
I'm glad I can at least say I've done it now. AND IT WORKED..SO THAT WAS GOOD TIMES.

And on the way home I had the windows down (AND IT WASN'T MISERABLY HOT! It was warm..but bearable.) and the music loud and that's just a perfect ending to any day. :)

Today was good, I think tomorrow will be good. This WEEK will be good. I'm being positive. That's the only way I'll make it through this year without strangling someone.

HAPPY TIMES!
Off to watch Big Brother. :)

Uncle Kracker-Smile

is teaching me things. SCARY.
I was looking back at something I wrote on the night before the last day of 9th grade, and it made me smile. I was much more self-actualized then. That's a little pitiful.

Anyway, I edited it, added to it, and took away some things. But, for the most part, it all still holds true. A lot of it still sounds like the 9th grade me, but that's ok. I'm going to post it, even though no one appears to be reading any longer, I SHALL POST.

LIFE.

It's not always great.
It hardly ever goes like we planned and usually even less like we wanted it to. Things go wrong and things are messed up, people make mistakes, and say the wrong things.
But we have to learn to forgive. Because before we know it, the time has passed and our chance is gone. And there's no taking that moment back, no rewind or re-do button.
We have to learn to not regret anything we say or do. Because in the moment we said or did the wrong thing, we did exactly what we truly wanted to do.
We have to learn that people grow apart, not every one of our best friends will really stay our best friend. People change, grow apart, and make new friends.
We have to learn that change is the thing that shapes us, makes us who we are. Change tests us and pushes us to our limits. It tells us who we really, truly are.
We have to learn that our family really is the one thing that we can always count on. We can mess up, scream, and yell and they will still be there, ready to stand up for us even when we made the wrong choice.
We have to learn that sometimes, it's our friends that act more like family. Sometimes it's our friends who we can really count on to always be there when our families are unbearable.
We have to learn that at some point, we're going to have our hearts broken. And chances are, at least once, it’ll get broken by the one person we thought we could really trust. It’ll be the one person we swore we were in love with.
We have to learn that people don't always mean to hurt us. Sometimes it's simply that they've changed. And other times they realize that they didn't really love us, like we loved them. They know it's better to end it before it hurts any more than it has to.
We have to learn that some of the time, we have to believe in ourselves in order to get by. Sometimes no one, not even our closest friends and family will stand behind us. There will come a time when no one can understand why we’re struggling, and we’ll have to be the ones to pick ourselves up.
We have to learn to move on. We can’t experience new things until we’ve accepted the old.
We have to learn that we won’t always get along and agree with our best friends. They say that fighting can make a relationship stronger. No two people are exactly the same, no two people agree on everything.
We have to learn that we will get hurt. Our family will hurt us, our friends will hurt us, and the one person who said they’d never hurt us. But that’s ok, because if we move on, it can make us stronger.
And at some point, we have to accept that life's not perfect. But if we try our hardest to make it the best we can, if we forgive those that love us, if we’re as honest as we can be, and if we love as best we know how, it can come about as close as it gets.

90. I'm over sensitive, and not very good at hiding it. If you've upset me or pissed me off, you'll know it.
89. I cry when I get really angry. It's true. Ask people.
88. I hate it when you say something stupid, and people WILL NOT forget about it. We all make mistakes people, move on.
87. I am not a crafty person. I try my hardest, but glue and I just don't get along.
86. I hate when people aren't respectful of their elders. I mean, it's fine if you don't like them..or if you just don't agree with them, but at least give them some respect.
85. I get hungry at really odd times during the day. Like, around 3pm..and really late at night.
84. I never sleep on my back, ever. If I am, there's something wrong with me and you should probably wake me up.
83. I love traveling, LOVE IT. Road trips are my favorite, even if I'm just going somewhere closer.
82. I'm really hypocritical when it comes to messes. I'm fine with MY mess, but I don't like anyone else's.
81. It takes me forever to fall asleep. That is unless I'm talking to someone, then I'm out in a few minutes.

More..later.
Almost done with school. So close.

100 things..ALL. ABOUT. ME.
But I'm not THAT mean, I'm splitting them up. :)
I haven't had a whole lot to blog about, so I'm going to start another list of things you might not know about me. :D

100. I love Sudoku, seriously. It takes me a while on anything past a medium level, but I still love doing them.
99. The TV shows I watch vary far and wide. I love House, but I love The Hills. I'm addicted to Gossip Girl, but I watch Mythbusters almost every week. Dirty Jobs cracks me up, and I've watch Grey's Anatomy from the start.
98. I HATE math, HATE it. Not only am I no good at it, I just don't see a need for anything much past Algebra 2 in life. Well, unless you're going to be a mathematician. Then..maybe.
97. I'm incredibly stubborn, but at the same time, I'm more than willing to hear another opinion on something. Just..don't expect me to change my mind, at least not right away. :)
96. I like planning. I like knowing exactly what to do and when to do it. I HATE "fly by the seat of the pants" people. I'm all for spontaneity, if you're say..on a trip. But if you want me to get something done or be somewhere, I need details.
95. I associate everything with something else..smells, songs, movies, books. Thunderstorms=McDonald's Fries, 8th grade=Daniel Powter- Bad Day. You name it, I'll tell you what I associate with it. :)
94. I get very passionate about things, very quickly.
93. I'm really bad about automatically assuming everyone understands exactly what I mean when I'm texting/emailing. If you don't, please ask.
92. I really hate it when people aren't honest with me. PLEASE tell me what you really think instead of skirting around the subject.
91. I'm very, VERY picky about my iPod, everything needs an album cover and everything needs a title and an artist. And if not, then I'm..not a happy camper. :) haha

So..I'm sorry for the lack of posts lately. School is ALMOST over (FIVE DAYS. OHMAHLORD), so I SHOULD be posting more frequently. The performances for church and school are done, so things are finally settling down a little. The day after we get out, we're heading to Alabama for my cousin's graduation. And then..summer. And I can drive this year. AH. I'm excited.

Now..off to dissect a fish. :|